Episode three had me torn between two feelings 1. oh hell yeah, that’s cool and 2. oh hell no, not this shit again.  The first half of the episode is hilarious.  We pick up right where we left off at the end of episode two.  Ikuzu gets an explanation of All Might’s mysterious quirk, albeit from a bloody mouthed All Might.  That guy would be a nightmare if he had AIDS.  The entire Hero Academy would have to shut down.  Only those with Anti-AIDS quirks could survive…

All Might gives us insight into his powers and how they’re not natural at all, in fact, they’re passed down from hero to another.  Only those who are worthy may receive the ultimate quirk, ALL FOR ONE.  Due to Ikuzu‘s brave actions earlier, All Might has dubbed him the worthy successor of his powers.  But before the power can be passed on, the receiver’s body must be ready and in optimal shape.  It’s kind of like preparing to finally enter a woman’s batcave, thinking to yourself “My body is ready…” but before you even see her lips of love – something escapes you.  That something is your man juice.  Then the bridge collapses and you’re no longer able to enter as a hero but instead you’re left with the shame of being the scum of the earth.

That is precisely why Ikuzu must train for ten months.  To avoid such an embarassing situation. So that he can penetrate. Not hesitate. Not deflate.

The ten-month montage is aided by an adrenaline pumping song, even if you dislike the show, you cannot discredit its soundtrack.  As a kid who was addicted to action movies and training montages – I loved seeing Ikuzu clean up that garbage ass beach (literally).  He even adjusted his entire lifestyle to get as much out of his training routine as possible.  That shows you how badly Ikuzu wants to be a hero and I can respect his hustle.

My favorite part of the episode is when All Might discovers Ikuzu screaming atop a pile of rubble near the beach.  Not only has Ikuzu accomplished his ten month task but he managed to exceed All Might‘s expectations.

In response, the world’s top hero exclaims “Oh my…  oh my…  (transforms into All Might) GOODNESS!” 

What a moment!

It gets even better when All Might decides to officially grace Ikuzu with his quirk.  He pulls down his pants and plucks a curly hair from his sweaty ballsack.  Then he sniffs it really good and winks at Ikuzu….  errrr or not.  But that was close enough.  Either way, All Might needs to transfer his DNA into Ikuzu one way or another and my version of the events may or may not be true.

Then the episode fizzes out by introducing an entrance exam/tournament.  I understand this is a Shonen, but it has been done to death.  Off the top of my head Naruto, Hunter X Hunter, and most recently, One Punch Man have all utilized that same plot progression to move their stories forward.  It’s a staple of Shonen but it felt really tacked on.

To make matters worse, they introduced the token “I’m the all-knowing but ultimately a jackass” character.  These kinds of characters are the worst, because they’re aware of their annoying fuckery but they continue to do it any ways.  I don’t even remember his name (nor do I care to give him the respect to look it up) but he looks like the fairy guy (Ishida) from Bleach.  Basically, imagine if Ishida had surgery on his calf muscles and decided to go to college just so he could call out people who hadn’t completed their homework.  Classic jackass. Fuck you Ishida‘s cousin guy.

Luckily, episode four gives us a full effort and is probably the best episode of the show so far. So maybe I should take back my comments about exams and tournaments?  Nahhhh.

The exam begins and we’re off!

Well, everyone except Ikuzu is off because he’s unable to destroy a single enemy.  The exam is being watched by the top heroes in order to get an idea of who are the most promising prospects.

Our hero has no idea when his power will kick in and even worse, All Might told him that once he uses it…  he’s fucked.  You can’t jump into a NASCAR race after taking your written permit exam, can you?  That’s basically what Ikuzu is doing, he’s no better than a premature ejaculator at this point but when there’s a supermodel laying on your bed – even if you’re going early…  you better go hard.

I like the way Ikuzu‘s character is handled in this scenario.  Throughout the entire exam he feels lost and is way too gun shy to pull off any cool moves to destroy the baddies.  Instead, he’s triggered once again by someone being in danger.  The sign of a true hero, it’s what All Might saw first hand at the incident with the slime monster.

The exam team sends out one final obstacle before wrapping it up and the last robot is a doozy.  Each participant is hesitant to fight it, they all just run away (including Ishida‘s bitch ass cousin).  Ikuzu has the urge to join the cowardly herd as well, but he notices Gravity Girl trapped underneath some rubble.  She’s about to get eliminated but Ikuzu remembers how she helped him earlier.  As he’s running to save her, his quirk kicks in and he squeezes his butt cheeks while taking flight towards the enemy.

His fist burns brighter than Domon Kashu‘s in G Gundam.  In one hard swing, he annihilates the enemy bot and rescues Gravity Girl from teh butt sex.  It’s a ridiculously well animated scene, top notch work by the artists!

But all is not well for our hero, in a comical moment, his right hand and both legs have been broken.  His body was not ready…

Fortunately for him, Gravity Girl saves him from falling… twice.  The first time she saved his reputation but this time she saved his life. This entire sequence was really well done and it set up the feels moment at the latter half of the episode perfectly.  The destruction of the final robot signaled the end of the exam and afterwards everyone was told to go home (after being healed) to await their entrance exam results.

I can relate to Ikuzu‘s anxiety of awaiting the results.  It’s as bad as waiting for your test score on an important college exam or even getting your STD test results from the doctor.  Who knows what they could say?  You have confidence in your skills, but you’re not quite sure if you executed in that exact moment and under those particular circumstances.  Or if that Filipino girl with the robotic arm and hairy toes had any venereal diseases.

In his mind, he’s failed the exam due to the scoring system.  Little did he know that All Might had a different message for him.  We discover that Gravity Girl went to vouch for our lonely hero and even offered up some of her hard-fought points to help him pass the exam.  DAYUM! That’s some major respect right there.  I wasn’t on “who cut these onions and shoved them up my ass” level but my heart definitely felt a bit warmer in that moment.

It’s then revealed that Ikuzu passed the exam through a secret criteria known as rescue points.  He was the only one who dared to fight the final boss and on top of that, he saved a fellow hero.  It doesn’t get much more clutch or hero than that!

WHAT AN EPISODE! OH HEALL YEAH!

But wait…  let’s not forget the hidden message and true heartfelt moment of episode four.

This episode finally brought to light the injustices caused by Best Jeanist.  He may have had the best jeans in the world, but no one dared to asked – how were those jeans made? The answer may or may not surprise you.  They were made in Indian and Chinese sweat shops.

Best Jeanist is actually the grandson of Jean-Paul Levis aka the founder of Levis jeans.  Their entire family has been running corrupt sweat shops for hundreds of years.  To make matters worse, the working conditions in those sweat shops was less than humane and more than cruel.  Often times the laborers were forced to live in shelters completely made out of jeans.  If they talked too much or tried to complain, their mouths were zipped… literally.  When they could no longer work or died from exhaustion, buttons were placed on their eyes and they were tossed into a jean coffin.

It was utterly despicable and dastardly.  The episode may not have brought those exact facts to our attention, but it has caused a conscious shift in the public’s perception of Best Jeanist.  What can you do to fight back against that tyranny?

Rip up your jeans…  the Blue Jeanist hates ripped jeans.

 

 

Meet Izuku aka Deku.  He’s a kid with no abilities whatsoever (or no “Quirks” as some may say).  In a world where 80% of the population has been blessed with a quirk, Little Spike Spiegel has been left in the cold.  He’s your typical Shonen character who doesn’t know his place in the world.  Weak, unpopular, yearning to be something more and beginning his journey on becoming…  something?

So how exactly does that make one’s anime interest pique?

For starters the show has an awesome OP, a great soundtrack and excellent animation.  I’m immediately reminded of One Punch Man in the style and execution of Boku No Hero. Which is both a good and bad thing, because to me, One Punch Man excelled in style but lacked in substance.

Before we even get to know our protagonist, we’re introduced to the world that is Boku No Hero.  The age of heroes is upon us and that has created escalation.  More and more villains are terrorizing the streets, leaving a high demand for quality heroes with powerful quirks.

Enter…  Backdraft

At first glance, he resembles a fire hydrant dressed as a firefighter.  Little does one know, he’s actually a rapist preventer.  Behind the scenes, Backdraft visits college campuses and invades dorms during prime sex hours.  Once he has spotted a couple about to get it on, he sprays the male or aggressor in the back with some cold water.  He then shouts out “Do you have consent?”  and when either one of the romancers tries to answer, he simply squirts them in the mouth with some high quality H20. He’s as complex a character as the intricate wrinkles on my scrotum.

The first few minutes of the show focus on potential side characters, one is a more glorified version of Captain Yamato from Naruto and the other is a giant chick showing off her ass (spoiler alert she gets groped by other giants on a giant yellow school bus). We also get introduced to some other heroes, but they’re fairly pointless.  Regardless of their status, our boy Izuku keeps a close eye on all heroes.  Like a crazed fanatic, he knows everything about every hero because he wants to be one himself.  Until then, he has to live vicariously through the heroes actively patrolling the streets.

Along his journey in the first two episodes (of which the second is way better) we learn three key items about Izuku.

1. He doesn’t have any quirks! His mom can attract small objects (potential insight into how she met his father hehehe) and his father can breathe hot fire.  Yet, upon a visit to the quirk specialist, it has been determined (due to a toe joint) that he will never posses super powers.  This has crushed our boy! That was his entire dream! Nooooooo!

2. A rival has emerged! A Sasuke to his Naruto, Vegeta to his Goku, ladies and gentleman…  meet Katsuki.  Unlike the calm, sensitive and shy Izuku – Katsuki is brash, loud and full of confidence. Another stereotypical Shonen character has been thrown into the mix.  The big question looms as to how important a role he’ll play in Izuku‘s development throughout the story. In episode 2, his capture is leads to Izuku’s catalyst for displaying some true heroism.  Will the two cause one another to up their respective games?  We shall see, but I’m hoping the writers can treat this relationship with some different spices than the usual Shonen recipe.

3. All Might…  or not!? Little Spike Spiegel gets saved by his iconic hero, All Might.  He basically looks like Guile with hair antenna.  Since he was a child, Izuku not only wanted to be a hero but he wanted to be just like All Might. The equivalent of that in my childhood was The Rock.  Unfortunately for me, that led to out of school suspensions because I Rock Bottom’d fellow students through tables, beat my teachers with steel cheers and had my fat cousin (who resembled Rikishi) run over my closest rivals.

There’s an interesting twist to All Might, he’s not in the same shape and form he used to be at the peak of his powers.  One of his previous battles has caused him MASSIVE DAMAGE. He’s basically missing all of his vital organs but somehow lives on to fight as All Might for three hours a day.  That revelation led Izuku to realize how vulnerable heroes can be and now he sees the entire picture behind being a hero. Before he has too much time to dwell on the startling fact that All Might might be a pedophile (long blonde hair, black eyes, white t-shirt, baggy pants, saves kids…  c’mon), our main character is caught off guard by his rival’s unexpected situation.  Katsuki is being suffocated and captured by the same monster that almost claimed Izuku.

It’s at this moment, that the show really takes a turn for the better.  Emotions get the best of Izuku and his body begins moving on its own to rescue his captured comrade.  He didn’t have any quirks or a plan on how to save his friend, he just knew he had to act regardless of the situation.  Unbeknownst to Izuku, All Might saw the young man’s act of bravery and it inspired him to act himself.  It’s actually really cool how a helpless fanatic caused the most famous superhero to forget his ailments and jump into action. Even more, it caused All Might to back up his words in a previous speech he gave to Izuku.

This moment wasn’t causing tears (too soon in the show for that) but it definitely gave me THE FEELS.  I was moved by Izuku‘s disregard for his own safety. The flashback of his childhood dreams compelled him to prove his mother, doctor and everyone else wrong. Ultimately, All Might conjured up enough energy to defeat the monster and rescue Katsuki. While it was very typical of a Shonen ending, the last few minutes also gave us something else entirely to chew on.

After escaping the media, All Might catches up with Izuku and gives the young fan the encouraging words he’s been longing for his entire life, “You can be a hero”.

OH SNAP!

Did you think that was it?  Well, buckle up because the end of the episode had an even bigger reveal.  That moment led to the beginning of Izuku becoming the greatest hero of all time.

DOUBLE SNAP!

Tune in next time for more BOKU NO PIC- I mean NO HERO action!!

 

 

Here it is, the fight we’ve all been waiting for…  kinda. To kick things off, we’re treated to a superbly animated sequence between Saitama and the Ultimate Warrior on Acid. Before they give away too much of that, we have to get back to the action outside of the ship.

Wife Beater Willy powers up with the intent of throwing large pieces of rubble at the alien spaceship.  Posion Ivy scoffs at his pathetic display and uses her psychic abilities to hurl multiple pieces of rubble at the ship instead.

Although her personality is annoying, her power is intoxicating.  Imagine having a girlfriend who could take care of your problems so easily.  Then again, imagine if you become one of her problems.  You’re about to get it on and then she just throws your body against the ceiling.  Or you’re driving while she’s hungry and all of a sudden your car steers into onto oncoming traffic, severely injuring you but somehow she’s left unscratched. Oh yeah! WHO’S TURNED ON BY THAT KINDA GIRL!?

Genos is there to witness her extreme powers and while standing by, watching, he’s visited by the guy who’s not Metal Knight. Drive Knight warns our blonde bomber that Metal Knight is his enemy. What does this mean?  Could it be a hint into Genos’s past? Was Metal Knight the one who raped and pillaged his village!?

We never find out.

It doesn’t matter, because Atomic Samurai is cutting up the Gargoyle Alien.  Meanwhile old man, Silverfang, is just getting warmed up. His time away from the fight has allowed him to finalize a strategy.  He has figured out the enemy. Following an “Atomic Slash”, the silver haired fox grabs the last sphere and crushes it.  How did he know where it was?  Our gargoyle always regenerates his head first and that gave away the location of his sphere.  I guess you could say he’s now missing a few marbles up there… a heh heh!

BACK TO THE ACTION!

We’re treated to one of the most beautifully animated fights in any anime – ever. Saitama and Lord Boros don’t hold back in what practically becomes a fight between pure energy (Boros) and a God (Saitama).  It takes up the majority of the episode and for good reason, it’s so damn well done.

I only wish that this fight had more significance in the grander scheme.  Alas, maybe it served its purpose entirely within the context of the show (more to come on that when I release my overall review of the show). Can anyone truly even come close to touching the One Punch Man? It didn’t take one punch, but Saitama wasn’t in any real danger throughout the fight.

He did, however, take a fun trip to outer space. Saitama got blasted to the moon, took his moment to enjoy zero gravity and then catapulted himself back into the earth’s atmosphere. The action resumes and as the fight progresses Boros starts resembling Carnage from Spider-Man more and more.

Still – he’s no match for the barrage of punches that Saitama sends his way. Carnage or not, One Punch Man’s fists of fury are too much for even the most powerful being in the universe. Boros tries using the power of a collapsed star to send Saitama to hell but the dastardly attack does nothing.  Saitama gets serious and his ultimate blow lands a punch so powerful that it splits the clouds and causes winds to shift hundreds of miles away.

Winner – Saitama by KO

Boros is dead and his ship ends up dying with him. It seems all is well until the blue haired bastard shows up. He’s absolutely disgusted by how much the heroes have failed. In his eyes, an elite group of heroes shouldn’t have allowed the situation to escalate this far. Too much damage, too many lives lost and too little done by the HA.

The heroes try to defend themselves and give fair counterarguments but Amai Mask ain’t having that! He’s more concerned about the media’s perception of the entire event rather than the truth.  When Kuwabara confronts and threatens him, Amai Mask reveals an interesting tid bit.

He’s purposely staying in the A rank to prevent piss-ants from moving up to the S rank.  OH SNAP!!! WHERE WILL THIS GO? Nowhere.

Metal Knight breaks up the tension by literally dropping out of the sky.  He lands in a pod and shows up to examine the scene. His only purpose for visiting is to pick up weaponry and items from the shipwreck. Power must be attained at any cost. He’s that lame guy from school who only shows up to class so he won’t get too many tardies or absences, then he goes home and operates on diseased pigs.

We pan to a shot of the surviving aliens. They’re all chained up and it looks like the heroes will take them back for questioning and “probing”. Amai Mask ain’t having that!! He cuts all of their heads off like Hercules slaying the hydra.  That’s the blue brand of justice, swift and brutal. I bet that’s also how he treats his make up artists. Oh, you put an extra dabble of glitter around my eyes? *Inserts hand into chest, removes heart*

JUSTICE!

Finally, before he leaves in complete disgust – Amai lets Genos know he has been a disappointment. Ouch! That one must have pinched our cyborg’s wires or nerves or… whatever. Genos is only flustered for a moment. He’s quick to forget Amai’s comments as Saitama emerges from the ship. The two have a pointless squabble with Poison Ivy and then go about their regular ways.

Ultimately, the destruction zone is rebuilt into a new, major complex for all Heroes.  Aaaaaaand that’s it.

An after credits scene reveals a monster causing trouble, but Saitama quickly puts an end to its life with one punch.  BACK TO ONE PUNCH ENEMIES!? DAMN! The circle of life is complete.

THE END

 

Saitama, the genocidal maniac, is on a mass murder spree on an alien spaceship.  He is being watched by an octopus whose name is so long, we’re just going to call him Gary. Well, Gary is freaking out because he sees firsthand the destructive power of One Punch Man. Lord Boros enters the main deck and tells his tentacle buddy to calm the fuck down. It ain’t no thang, junior. As long as the sphere is untouched.  Sphere, you say? Isn’t your eye a sphere, you rat bastid?

The world is watching from afar, everyone is taking notice of the alien action.  We even get some cool cameos from heroes and villains of the past. My favorite one being cyborg gorilla cooking some takoyaki balls.

We’re taken back to the fighting outside of the ship.  Puri Puri Prisoner is looking real thick and tight. He just pounded a hundred holes into the evil gargoyle creature but alas it was all for naught. Gargoyle can regenerate like the T1000, so physical attacks don’t do much but waste his time.

Silverfang, Atomic Samurai, Puri, Jacob and Kuwabara decide to engage the enemy regardless of its powers. By what seems like sheer luck, Kuwabara beats a marble out of one of the gargoyle’s heads.  It’s blue and shiny, I guess you could call it a sphere. OH SNAP!

Kuwabara decides to swing away like Joaquin Phoenix in Signs.  He shatters the sphere and in turn, eliminates one of gargoyle’s heads permanently. That’s when the epiphany hits the team and they decide to beat the spheres out of their opponent. They may have come to that realization too late because the Gargoyle has already ordered an all out assault on the area in which they’re fighting. Our heroes are damned if they do and damned if they don’t!

Luckily for them, Saitama has found his way to the control center and he’s about to get a taste of Gary the octopus.

Gary proves to be utterly worthless as even his strongest attack does nothing to One Punch Man.  Saitama takes him out like I take out the garbage… flawlessly.

While Gary is out of the picture, the aerial assault isn’t. Gargoyle Gara is down to two heads and not many options, so he embraces the moment and awaits total annihilation.  The ship fires off a barrage of bombs but Poison Ivy arrives just in time.  She freezes the bombs in mid-air as if she was Neo from the Matrix.

Then she shines them up real nice, turns them sum-a-bitches sideways and shoves them straight up the ship’s candy ass!

Bing Bong is fucked.

The ship takes massive damage and the crew of ‘S’ Class heroes eliminates another head in the process. It’s down to Gara’s last head, what will happen!?

We won’t find out until the last episode, because from here on out it’s all about Saitama vs. Lord Boros!

Boros goes into some lame backstory about being bored because he’s so powerful.  Then he stumbled upon a prophet who told him he’d find an all powerful being to fight. Well, 20 years later Boros has finally found Saitama. Let’s be real, the guy probably took advice from a retarded octopus staring at a bouncy ball that was directly on top of a flash light. Is that a source that can be trusted? I think not.

The problem with this meeting is that there isn’t any weight to Boros as  a villain. Does he look bad ass? Not really – trying too hard in that category. Does he have a bad ass voice? Eh, more like generic. Unique backstory that’s gangster and/or sympathetic and tragic? Nope.

My only gripe with the show has been its lack of an opposing force to Saitama. One episode isn’t going to change that but who I am to talk? Let’s get back to the episode at hand!

Boros has a raging boner for Saitama as he’s finally found a worthy challenger. He can’t wait to get it on with a bald headed human. Saitama cuts off the blabbering Resident Evil virus and punches him into a wall. The impact breaks off all of Brolly’s – sorry, I meant Boros’s armor.

That’s good, right?

Nope, apparently that armor only restrained his immeasurable and irresistible power. Boros powers up and transforms like every villain on the show so far. He looks like a neon acid trip ready to Rollerblade… into hell!

IKUZO!

One more episode to go…

Godzilla vs. Poison Ivy

Ivy gets dropped from a government airplane and is faced with the task of defeating American Godzilla ’98.  The giant lizard does his best bijou bomb impersonation and then reveals the only way to beat him is if a comet hits the earth.  Ask and you shall receive. Poison Ivy showcases a unique ability and summons a comet to annihilate the arrogant lizard. How powerful is she, really?

The episode switches gears by bringing us to silver fox’s getaway. Saitama and Genos are vising the infamous dojo of Fang Bang aka the old man.  In a short span, the old man talks about his school, the students and a renegade prodigy who is now off probably murdering children and innocents. Not a big deal.

Any ways, the episode starts to pick up steam when all Class S heroes are summoned to a mandatory meeting at the Hero’s Association HQ. Saitama gets to tag along because he’s buddies with Genos and we all know Genos is gellin’.  Are you gellin’? Fuck you.

Now then, let us meet the elite.

Class S – Rank 17
Puri Puri Prisoner
We’ve already discussed him to death.

Class S – Rank 16
Genos
Same as above.

Class S – Rank 15
Metal Bat
Black haired Kuwabara peppered in with a little bit of generic Asian crime boss who is overly confident but then dies in comical fashion to a irrelevant do gooder.

Class S – Rank 14
Tank Top Master
A knock off Guile from Street Fighter. They couldn’t call him by his real name, Wife Beater Willy, because that would disallow him to continue working for the Hero’s Association.

Class S – Rank 13
Flashy Flash
Not a big talker, he’s basically a blonde haired version of that captain from Bleach whose sword turns into rose pedals. Another Anime stereotype, he looks like a chick but is actually a man. Surprise. Surprise.

Class S – Rank 12
Watchdog Man
Animal lover. Literally. This guy is disgusting.  Not only does he sniff farts, but he typically engages in acts of beastiality.  After he’s done with his “lover”, he guts them and wears their skin as a sign of respect.

Class S – Rank 11
Superalloy Blackluster
If Mr. Po-Po, a tub of Vaseline and former kickboxer Bob Sapp had a baby… this would be it.

Class S – Rank 10
Pig God
A valued and regular Wal-Mart shopper.  There’s a 98% likelihood that he’s also a pedophile and video game addict.

Class S – Rank 9
Drive Knight
Ryan Gosling from the movie Drive but after a terrible accident that left his entire body disfigured.  The Kazakh doctors who operated on him post-accident couldn’t get his normal eyes to work, so they replaced them with a red strobe light.

Class S – Rank 8
ZombiemanQuiet. Introverted. Introspective. He is probably a germophobe and hidden otaku himself.

Class S – Rank 7
King
Former prison inmate who was brutally attacked by a tiger dressed as a security guard.  He’s most likely very weak, but uses his scars as a way to hide his insecurities. He’s a false bad ass.

Class S – Rank 6
Metal Knight
Already discussed.

Class S – Rank 5
Child Emperor
The kid who sees dead people in the Sixth Sense.  He hasn’t grown for many years and still looks the same. You know why?  He’s a ghost.

Class S – Rank 4
Atomic Samurai
The bad ass who’s a bad ass but only up to a certain point.  He’s very conceited and will be surpassed by people who likely have more awareness and are less set in their ways. He’s cool but not ice cold, because he’s so one dimensional.

Class S – Rank 3
SilverfangDiscussed.

Class S – Rank 2
Terrible Tornado
She’s a high maintenance, attention whore who just wants to “have fun”. Insecure about her lack of social interaction, she projects her fears by being overly aggressive and confrontational.  Expect her to die with regrets and tears in her eyes.

Class S – Rank 1
Blast
Not there. Absent. Why? Was he the one who defeated a sea monster or is he the blue haired fucker? Touche governor!

There you have it.  That’s the creme de la creme of the HA. We find out that they’re gathered together because some old gypsy lady predicted the earth would be in danger.  She’s had a pretty good record in the past, but she died from choking on a cough drop. The struggle is real.

Our heroes don’t have much time to digest the news as a group of angry custodians with wings decide to attack their building.  Just when the show has you thinking these guys will be the biggest bad asses ever, they get taken out and sliced in half by an even bigger villain – a five-headed gargoyle protecting its alien ship.

The alien ship wastes no time and instantaneously destroys a majority of the city with one helluva blast. The gargoyle spots a kid being saved by his dad. Real recognize real, so five-header goes in for the kill.

Not so fast!

Atomic Samurai’s protege and understudy, Iairon, butts in and halts any killing from happening. Iairon is a very confusing and not-so-fitting name so we’ll call him Jacob. Well, Jacob gets an arm cut off and has to be saved by his master in order for the fight to continue.

Atomic slices cannot claim the life of a five headed gargoyle, so it simply puts itself back together and resumes the exciting battle. Finally, a bad guy with some potential.  Let’s be real, the Sea King was pretty lame. These guys are the like the UFC, as real as it gets.

Eventually, most of our heroes gather to face this colossal new enemy.  Some are on the ground level, like Puri Puri Prisoner who’s getting into the thick of things, others are watching from above and calculating their next moves.

Not so quietly, Saitama has been breaking into the alien’s precious vehicle. Aboard the ship, we see Saitama has beaten up a gang of aliens. And he’s headed straight towards a final showdown with the grand daddy of them all – Lord Boros.

Who is he?

Rumors say he’s an unfortunate victim of the Uroboros virus. A doctor who tried to find a cure for his only brother, Horatio Charmander Mohammed, but failed and diseased himself (literally and figuratively) with a virus. A virus that has killed others but granted him supreme powers.

Or is he Drive Knight’s evil cousin?
Maybe he’s Silverfang’s deranged student?

We’ll find out next time on ONE PUNCH MAN!

 

 

 

The people of the stadium are on the brink of death.  A Sea King promises to swallow them all.  However, it is Genos that spoils his feast by blasting him through the side of the stadium.

Has he won?

No, he has not.

Unlike a priest with some children, Genos didn’t even touch the Sea King. Our amphibious foe has actually been angered and releases that frustration by punching Genos and ripping off his arm. That’s the exact reason why my best friend is in jail, that’s how he literally broke up with his then girlfriend.

Our favorite boy band cyborg may be down, but he’s not out.  He has another go at the Sea King and although the action is quite furious, his attacks result in absolutely nothing. Even worse, the Sea King spots a lolita and spits some game her way.  Some could say his game is quite… lethal. Genos would rather lose his life than have her die, so he takes the acid to the back like he takes Saitama’s cock on Saturday evenings.

This is where I thought he was genuinely going to die.  The Sea King continues to punish him by punching him through the stadium wall. As he’s about to deliver the final blow – Genos is saved by the greatest attack of all time.

JUSTICE CRASH!!!

AW HELL NAH!!!
Melon Rider has lost his mind, he’s gone ripe melon!! The greatest character in the show proves he has the biggest pair of melons beneath his belly button amongst all men. His attacks prove worthless and even the mighty Justice Tackle cannot stop a fully powered Sea King.

He has no chance, but he stands up to the greatest monster the city has ever seen.  In turn, the crowd begins shouting in support. They have found their champion and he is MUMEN RIDER!

But the Sea King has faced harsher adversity than an angry mob of people. Try being a chef in an underwater restaurant that only serves seaweed.  It’s brutal. Melon Rider is on the verge of death until One Punch Man dashes into the fight.

He takes care of the Sea King in another one punch performance. To give his fallen heroes some credit, Saitama tells the bewildered audience that he had merely finished off an already weakened opponent.  What a classy move by a guy who very recently wanted to pulverize the citizens that doubted his hero status.

In lieu of those events, Saitama finally receives some fan mail.  It’s not quite what he had expected though. One of the letters is from the Hero’s Association.  An invitation to take their exam for ranking up to another class.

Enter the corrupt corporate world of becoming a top ranked hero.

Our protagonist is forced to take some bullshit psychological analysis. Let’s be honest, they probably made everything up on the spot and want to see how easy or difficult it will be to manipulate the young lad.

Moving on, the hilarious and often misunderstood Puri Puri Prisoner has recovered and he wants to treat a couple of heroes with “Angel shots”.

Ah yes, the infamous angel shots. I remember receiving a couple of those at my doctor’s office a while ago.  When I woke up I could barely move and my butt cheeks felt like a semi truck had run through them with rubber chainsaws. It’s ok though, my parents told me that my doctor graduated to a very special school where large, muscular men sodomize other smaller, less muscular men in poorly lit and lukewarm shower rooms.

Saitama gets his B rank and decides to celebrate by eating some ramen Naruto style.  While there, he spots Mumen Rider and the two grab a nice meal.  Mr. Justice reveals he was the one who wrote the thank you letter to Saitama.  They enjoy a nice conversation and then the episode ends on a weird note.

While Saitama isn’t looking, Mumen Rider puts a white pill in One Punch Man’s drink.  The scene fades to black and we’re left with the eerie sounds of Puri Puri Prisoner grunting and Mumen Rider’s laugh coupled with a weird slapping noise (like a booty smack).

To be continued…

 

Seafolk.

The monster pool was starting to run a little dry, so the writers wanted to sea what else they could come up with.  It seems as if Octo-Mom was their primary influence for the first of the “seafolk”.

Look above – that’s the face of Octo-Mom’s former body part which gave birth to her many, many children. The octopus gets devoured without any issues by… NOT SAITAMA!? No, this person had hair and a black cape. Who could it have been? Hopefully, it’s a challenger or someone close to Saitama’s level because the show desperately needs a worthwhile opponent for One Punch Man.

That wasn’t the last of those seafolk, there’s an entire clan of them.  A variety of sea monsters arrive on the mainland to terrorize City Z.  Luckily, Aqua Man’s Asian cousin, Aquard Man, comes to the rescue! He’s a Class A hero that’s ranked 11th.  Great! Rankings clearly mean a lot and are very objective in the grand scope of things. NNOOOOOOTTTT.

Ok, ok, so he really doesn’t resemble Aqua Man too much (They both use staffs though… but for what purposes? Hmmm).  In that case, he’s basically Sonic without make up. How’s that!? Moving on…

Genos is drying some dishes when he informs Saitama that he’s on the verge of getting promoted to a Class B hero. Baldy and Blondie’s rankings talk is cut short by a phone call from the Hero’s Association.  They inform Genos that Aquard Man is fighting a losing battle against the Seafolk, he’s going to need reinforcements.  Melon Rider also takes notice via the news and promptly hops on his bike to go help out!

Surprisingly, at death’s doorstep, Aquard Man conjures up a final attack which destroys the group of Seafolk.  Unfortunately, his body wasn’t ready for what came next.  The king of the sea.

Damn son, I guess you could say that A-Class Hero wasn’t prepared for that Sea-Class Villain. Muahahaha!

The entire town is evacuating the city, some have even gathered into a giant stadium for shelter.  The only C-Class Hero with any balls is headed in the opposite direction in comparison to his fellow associates. Melon Rider proves he’s down to fuck by getting on his bike and pedaling towards the danger. Respect.

Meanwhile, the Flash (Lighting Max) has been paying close attention from afar – or so he thought.  He’s caught off guard when the Sea King vanishes from his view and reappears directly behind him. This fight proves to be as one sided as ever.  The Sea King man-handles Mr. lightning kick by punching him through buildings like he does it for a living. Falling from the skies and most likely to his death, our hero is saved by the best character the show has ever created.

Class S Hero – Puri-Puri Prisoner.

Some say he’s a rapist, some say he’s even a pedophile but I say he’s just misunderstood. Put into prison for attacking beautiful men, Puri was just doing his best in trying to show the world we can’t be too vain by only caring about our appearances. He even lives by an honorable code

“You see, I check up on all the boys who catch my eye”

What a saint! I would give this man the keys to my house and my Day Care Center. No questions asked. Instead of selfishly taking off and fleeing from a fight.  He decides to take on the Sea King one-on-one because he “fancied Stinger and Lighting Max”. Translation: He wanted to protect them from the harsh realities of life. He was like a mentor and/or guidance counselor to those poor souls.

Before Puri throws down with the Sea King, it is revealed that Sonic also escaped from prison.  He wants to bear witness to the greatest character of all time.

As Puri-puri brushes his nipples before he leaps into ANGEL STYLE, I’m mesmerized by the moment.  There’s a wave of emotion coming over me and I can’t quite put my finger on it. Love? Joy? Fear? Admiration? I’m not quite sure, but I am left with one question. Where is Puri-puri’s pee pee!?

That’s why he lost! There’s no other valid reason. He was missing his all-spark and the thing that makes him an unstoppable man-beating force. His attack is rendered meaningless by an unscathed Sea King.  The fish walker shows no mercy and completely obliterates our favorite prisoner.

From joy to sorrow, the mood has shifted and I feel lost.

Another hero falls before the great Sea King. He’s only left with Sonic as a foe.  They engage in battle, but Sonic is too fast of a speed demon for the sea demon.  Sonic believes he – errr she… IT has the advantage but alas the rain alters the fight like it does the field in an outdoor sports game.

There’s no delay in the heat of battle, the fresh rainfall plays to the Sea King’s strengths and he’s back to full power.

In other news, Amai Mask has gotten a haircut.  He can’t be bothered to help out his fellow heroes because he’s too busy promoting a new single. Alright, if this guy isn’t the main villain of the show then who would it be? My one flaw for the show so far is that we have yet to see someone as a formidable and long-term villain.  With only four episodes left to go, I hope we’re not just going to milk the one villain per episode routine.  I’d really like to sink my teeth into a villain with meaning, but with only four episodes left to go that’s going to become increasingly more difficult.

Amai delivers a speech that echoes those of presidential candidates bidding for the public’s votes. If I had to pull something out of my ass here, I’d say it wouldn’t be the Golden Crisp I ate earlier.  It would be a theory. The consistent monster attacks have been planned by Amai and his crew of corporate fucks. They’re using the Hero Association to draw out the best challengers while simultaneously weeding out the weak.  What does Amai gain from this? He gets to face off against the strongest person on the planet.  I think his rank and class are all a cover up for him being extremely powerful.  He’s an egotistical bastard who wants a new challenge! FUCK!

/conspiracy rant

Vaginja escapes from the Sea King butt naked.  The Sea King then turns his attention away from the one-on-one battles and senses a lot of humans located within one area – the stadium. Among the ordinary citizens are a few heroes (including bad haircut Orochimaru) but they all get swatted away like flies. It seems as if the Sea King is about to feast on a human buffet. Oh no, he isn’t! It’s time for Genos to shine like his hair after the use of multiple shampoo and conditioner products.

Will Genos sink the Sea King?

The episode ends with Melon Rider racing towards the stadium on his bicycle. He’s forced to use standing peddle mode, one of the most dangerous and banned techniques worldwide. At the same time, Saitama learns of the situation via a phone call with the Hero Association.  He’s prepared to whoop some ass as well.

ROAR, JUSTICE

 

 

A meteor is headed for earth. We’re on the brink of total destruction. Only a press conference held by Morgan Freeman can awaken us from our hopeless daydreams.  If only Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck were able to fly onto that meteor and blow it up before it made contact with our planet… if only.

Genos is made aware of the situation by the Hero Association.  Saitama is not. Class S > Class C.

The Hero Association has reached out to all of its top ranked heroes as a major crisis is upon the world.  Genos is surprised to see only him and an old man named Bang RSVP’d to the party.  Why?  Cause every hero is a self-righteous prick.  Except for old man Bang.  Who happens to look like a replica of the Grandpa from Hunter X Hunter (right).

Osteoporosis gramps tells blondie there’s a worst-case scenario upon them, a Dragon level threat.  They only have 35 minutes to prevent a meteor from destroying City Z and who knows what else.

As the meteor draws nearer, Genos decides to test out some of his latest gadgets.  Super powered fire arms – literally! You know when that ecstasy techno music hits that shit is going to get real… real fast.

Our “S” class cyborg is prepared to unleash his full power but he’s interrupted by a slimmed down Vietnamese Baymax named Bofoi. Bofoi is actually a drone run by a Vietcong member somewhere far, far away from the field of action.  His only purpose it to test out some of his latest weaponry on the meteor.  That is all.

A swing and a miss for Bofoi, who didn’t even tickle the meteor with his fancy weapons.  With only 33 seconds left before impact, Blondie decides to go full Optimus Prime mode by removing his all-spark and attaching it to his left bicep for maximum firepower. He does his best kamehameha impression and gets absolutely nothing done. Gramps kills it with his commentary, “I think you moved the meteor back a bit… oh wait, I lied” Haha!

No worries, because the best is yet to come. Saitama finally shows his average face and punches a hole through that meteor! FUCK YEAH! SUGOI!

He had won the battle, but not the war.  The meteor shattered into thousands of mini-meteors which ended up causing major damage to the city. It wasn’t anywhere near the damage a full meteor blast would have done, but it was still pretty bad. I’m sure one of them had to have hit a veterinary hospital. How does that make you feel!? THINK OF YOUR DOG!!! THINK OF YOUR CAT!! OH LAWD!!

As a result of the damage done, the public’s perception of Saitama has shifted from him not even being on their radar to becoming a borderline bad guy. Can they make up their minds? The man did what he could and they’re still alive.  These “people” are probably the same fucks who sued McDonald’s for having hot coffee.  You just want it all, don’t you!?

Regardless of his public approval rating, Saitama has moved up in the rankings by 300 spots! He’s now top 5 in the “C” Class and others are starting to take notice.  By others, I of course mean, two jackasses.

Those two jabronis (pictured above) believe Saitama is a cheater.  Instead of confronting him about it in private, they’ve decided to publicly shame our hero in order to get him to mentally snap. The sheep aka the public, fall for it and start chanting “Give it up!” to One Punch Man. 

As expected, Saitama makes quick work of the two brothers.  Tank Top Timmy is blown away by a punch to the face. His brother, Bruce Lee’s fourth grade cousin, isn’t quite as lucky. He’s at the mercy of our hero.  His hand is locked in Saitama’s iron grip. In agonizing pain, Bruce Lee’s fourth grade cousin, admits he was lying and asks for forgiveness.  This is Saitama’s moment to show the public just how great of a hero he is.  He could have easily let go and put on a facade for the public. Take the high road. Forgive. Forget.

No!

He doesn’t suck up to the people or choose the diplomatic way out.  Alternatively, he decides to be completely honest and gives the audience the cold, hard truth. My favorite bit is when one guy has the audacity to talk about how damaged his car was as a result of the meteor shower and Saitama cuts him off mid-sentence telling him to shut his pie hole.

Motherfucker, would you even be alive to complain right now if it wasn’t for Saitama? Man, I wish I could take an eraser and erase some of these characters so they could feel the pain I feel… like Pain from Naruto.

The birth of One Punch Man – the anti-hero! Cue a majestic acoustic guitar track and we’ve got ourselves a sublime scene.  This is the REAL Saitama. He’s not meant to be loved and adored by the public, because he knows the public is fake and fickle. He’s a simple guy with an amazing skill set. The people of City Z want more, they want a showman and someone who can work the crowds. Well, those people can all go suck a big, fat Elephant ear hair.

Saitama was reaching a boiling point talking to the onlookers, but before he could explode – Genos came to the rescue.  He got the heated hero to quit yapping at the crowd.  Together, they took a walk down an alley and Genos told Saitama how much he appreciates him – regardless of the public’s opinion.

D’awwwww.

I felt like this was a missed opportunity for an awkward kiss, where Genos goes 90% of the way and Saitama slips into the other 10%.  Or maybe rain would begin to fall and their clothes would have slipped off accidentally. Or even something along the lines of Saitama stepping on a recently thrown-away bottle of lotion with Genos falling into a lotion puddle in the middle of the street.  Saitama attempts to dry him off but instead gets all oiled up himself by falling into the puddle as well.

The cold rain causes them to move closer to one another (body heat purposes).  Slowly but surely the sun goes down and we see Saitama on all fours trying to regain his composure. Genos kneels behind him. His butt cheeks open up and flare away, pushing him deep into the source of Saitama’s super powers.

End scene. Begin love.

Episode six begins with a very important scene.  What in the blue hell has Saitama actually taught Genos? Baldie knows he’s dragging Blondie along for no good reason, especially since redundant strength training is the only real advice he can share with his protege.

That is until our protagonist has a moment of clarity. Saitama starts shooting from the hip and tells Genos he needs a change in mentality.  The cyborg must set goals for himself, specifically to be in the top 5 of the S ranked heroes. It sounds like a good plan, right?

Well, not really, because Saitama has no idea what he’s talking about.

Imagine you’re a drug dealing 9th grader who just got his side chick pregnant because you were out getting “turnt up” on LSD, chicken feet and crack-infused Skittles.  Then you go to your school counselor for advice.  Your school counselor just happens to be a 44 year old, white male from a very rich background. He has no idea what “Yeah, I’d hit that” or “I’m not the father” means at all.  Do you expect this man to give you some profound life advice?  Of course not. That’s how it feels to be Saitama.  He’s that 44 year old white guy.

Meanwhile, Genos fills in his sensei with an interesting fact.  If you’re a C class hero, you need to be active on a weekly basis.  It sucks to have to solve petty crimes like bike jackings or purse snatchers but that’s what C class heroes do.  Contrary to the rules Saitama isn’t interested in the little fish, he wants to hunt them big whales. He hasn’t done either in nearly a week. What a predicament!

Saitama sets out to find crime, but instead creeps out the populace.  They’re very wary of a bald headed guy running around with a distraught look on his face.  He’s basically shit out of luck until a familiar foe appears – Sonic, the vagninja!

He lunges at our hero with a blade made for scalping baldies.  Bad move, Sonic, because our hero has teeth that are brushed on a regular basis and as a result are super strong. Doctor approved!

Before their fight can go anywhere, Tank Top Tiger shows up to save the day. I think he’s a jackass, so we’ll just ignore him.  Thankfully he’s taken care of almost immediately as he gets struck by exploding shuriken via Sonic.

Thus, Sonic draws Saitama into round two of their battle by throwing more exploring shuriken – but this time they’re aimed the public.  The super-sonic ninja almost killed a kid! SAY WHAT!?

Saitama quickly comes to the realization that this is his opportunity to show himself as a true hero. Indeed, he makes easy work of Sonic with a swift karate chop to his back in mid-air. End scene.

Mid-way through the episode we’re introduced to some green haired bitch who seems over-powered but the Hero’s Association doesn’t let her fight…  not yet.  Everyone should keep tabs on her from here on out. You know she’s going to be going beast mode soon enough.

The Hero’s Association is concerned because they’re getting reports of a monster zone developing within City Z. Some high-powered beasts have taken over an entire city district for themselves.  And so the association has sent two of their Class A heroes to investigate.

Golden Ball (left) and Spring Mustachio (right) are destined to face off against the latest monster wreaking havoc in City Z.  In a matter of seconds, they run into the ultimate opponent…  Jynx from Pokemon!

Most of you remember her as Mr. Popo with a wig.  Well, she went through a hard time after her husband passed away.  She was married to Snorlax, but their relationship (and his health) turned south when Snorlax couldn’t sleep anymore. He was a nervous wreck because the doctors told him his seed was infertile. Eventually, he turned to sleeping pills but wound up dead when he mixed them with alcohol and expired milk.

Jynx was never the same after that. She let her hair grow wild and threw away any memories she had of Laxy (her nickname for him) because they were just too painful of a reminder.  Hence why she no longer wears the lipstick or a bright red dress.  She became the monster City Z never wanted nor needed.

Golden Ball was no match for her as she tangled him up with her pasta-hair and knocked him unconscious.  Pistachio Mustache put up more of a fight, but alas his efforts would also fall short of any meaning.

That bitch definitely cray.

By the way, I must mention that during the fight scene – they use a really awesome track.  A gritty guitar riff amplifies the action to new heights.  Amazing use of that song! I know I haven’t praised OPM for its OST yet, but trust me, I’m starting to notice now.

It seems everyone is done for until Saitama runs into pasta-hair by accident.  He’s on his way home from some grocery shopping and Jynx just happened to be on his street.  We don’t see an actual fight here, but the next scene shows us who won.

Saitama is boiling some veggies in a pot, but unbeknownst to Genos, it’s actually her hair! Muahahahaha!

As the episode comes to a close, we find out Golden Ball and Pistachio Mustache are recovering in the hospital. At the same time, the Hero Association is doing their best to prepare for more monsters like Jynx.  They offer a black-haired hero a job, but she’s not interested.  Those higher class heroes are so entitled!

In the end, I’m left with two questions to ask

1. Where are those villains we saw in the episode with Hammerhead? Spaghetti arms and Iron Man.

2. Who is this generic looking Genos? I mean, come on… he looks like a fluffer for Genos.

It has finally been revealed – the Hero Association.  A skyscraper filled with white collar workers and businessmen deciding upon the fates of heroes (Melon Rider to remain Class C oh noooooo) and collaborating on the topic of the 55th Hero Certification Exam.

It’s a circle jerk meeting of upper management pushing their power around, what else is new in the corporate world? My inkling is that this group of “Hero Deciders” is going to end up becoming the major villain of One Punch Man.  Why?  They’re douches, that’s why.

Using my Spidey senses, I’m getting a feeling that the bald, chubby guy is the only one with a heart at that table. The others are all ready to suck him off like a sucker-fish at the corner of an abandoned coral reef looking for some cheese.

The episode quickly cuts to the chase by showing us the certification exam. 11,000+ wannabe heroes have showed up for the chance to become a real hero.  Well, they all pale in comparison to Saitama.  Who, by the way, is jacked as fuck! WHOA BABY!! PUT SOME BBQ SAWCE ON DAT ASS!!

Of course, Saitama absolutely demolishes all of the previous records.  He’s the greatest physical specimen they’ve ever witnessed. Unfortunately for him, the certification exam is half physical and half written.  In the next scene, Genos meets Saitama in the locker room and they get their results.  Genos is automatically ranked as the highest class hero… S CLASS! Saitama takes a look at his paper halfway and it looks as if he’s joined his partner in the “S” world.

But wait there’s more! Saitama unveils the full sheet and he’s on the same level as Melon Rider – C CLASS!? WTF WHY!? Apparently, he did poorly on the written exam and the Hero’s Ass-ociation believes Genos was the only one responsible for getting rid of “House of Evolution”.  No love for Saitama, he just doesn’t get no respect.

For the rest of the episode, we’re introduced to three new douchebags.

Meet that guy.  He’s basically a hero who’s also a bully.  Due to his rank, he likes to search out and “crush” rookie heroes so they never surpass him in ranking. To put it bluntly, he looks like Orochimaru if Orochimaru decided to get a hair cut, left his job as a shinobi to become a full-time douche and bought a really shitty looking snake suit.  I’m glad Saitama teaches him a lesson in one swift punch, fuck that guy.

Meet douchebag #2.  If anime has taught me anything, it’s that characters who wear glasses have an inferiority complex.  They’re always schemers who are looking to upset the balance of the world.  If the guy before him was a poor man’s Orochimaru, this guy is a knock off Kabuto.  He oozes a level of slime that only a prostitute, living in a Guatemalan sewer and carrying boogers infested with sexual transmitted diseases could match.

The final douchebag will be revealed a little bit later. Before that, we’re told how the Hero’s Association started out.  Some billionaire’s daughter was attacked by a monster and a passer by saved her.  Ever since then he’s devoted his money to establishing an organization for heroes.  Cool story bro. Ironically, the guy’s name is Agoni.  He was probably in a lot of pain and agony when his daughter was getting attacked.  Get it? Hehe!

From agony to the sweet, sweet joys of action! We’re treated with the best fight scene through five episodes.

Genos goes full blast in an attempt to show up his sensei.  If his missions was to put even a scratch on his master, then he utterly failed.  Blondie gets a little peeved when he believes his sensei is just fooling around.  Little did he know, that Saitama’s lowest level is so far beyond Genos’s best – it’s scary! By the end of the fight, blondie is left with a feeling that he’ll never surpass his master – let alone reach him in power.

Finally, we meet douchebag #3.

Amai Mask. This guy is every girl’s dream.  He’s handsome, sophisticated, rich and as cool as my exposed feet on a sock-less winter day. To me, he’s a sexier version of L from Death Note.  Except for the fact that L was a good guy and would probably hold a door open for you if you were carrying too many groceries.  Amai, on the other hand, wouldn’t even notice you and at best he’d probably steal an apple from your overflowing bag of groceries.  Do you know what he’d do with that apple? YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW, DAMMIT!!! NO!!!! NOT MAH APPLE!!! BAH GAWD!!!

For whatever reason, he comes out to meet and welcome Genos to the Hero’s Association.  His conversation with Genos is laced with passive aggressiveness.  “I’ll forget your comment about the certification exam”.  Sure, sure you will buddy…

Sounds like the top ranked A Class hero is getting a personal look at his competition. Something stinks here and it’s not the putrid boob sweat from Rosie O’Donnell’s sausage nipples traveling down to her side boob.

Or is it?